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Eduard Dolgunov

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The Secret of the Jews

The Secret of the Jews "Hey, author!

- asks an inquisitive reader, - what is this anyway? An anecdote, a feuilleton, or maybe social fiction, or a surrealistic phantasmagoria?" No, - say others, - the author just "stole" the idea of "City of the Sun" from Tommaso Campanella...

- You understand a lot, - some object to them, - yes, he is just imitating Mikhail Bulgakov with his "Fatal Eggs"...

- Yes, the devil knows?

- the author scratched his "turnip", - think, dear readers, what you want, but I just wrote about.. about... in short, look at the title.

- So, gentlemen-comrades!

- the chairman poured water from a decanter into a glass, drank, tapped it with a pencil, and looking strictly at those sitting at the table, asked, - is everyone here?

- Yeah, finish it Petrovich, - a middle-aged man in a padded jacket said with irony and smiled, - as if you don't know yourself. He noisily pushed his chair back, jumped up, and saluting, grimacing, reported in military fashion, - Comrade Chairman! Allow me to report that the heads of the farm "Svetly Put", according to your order, have arrived, - and hiccuping, added, - and it was reported by your deputy, Stepan Kuzmich, that is, me. Or has your memory been knocked out by abroad? Come on, spill it, how do people live there in those "Americas"? They are in distress, probably, under the yoke of imperialist-capitalists? Everyone laughed, made a noise.

- We thought he would lay out a spread, - a heavy man shouted over the others, - treat the people, tell what he saw there in his "voyages" abroad, - choking with laughter he looked at those present, - he probably ran around strip clubs and brothels there himself, and gathered us for a meeting, and even "dry". It's not good, chairman, - he sighed, - you don't respect the people, not humanly!

- There will be a spread, as it should be, - Petrovich waved his hand, then frowning continued, - but for now about business. I have business with you men, serious, I want to report.

- Why are you being secretive, chairman?

- Stepan frowned, - haven't you been recruited by American infidels, huh?

- Why do you keep talking about America, infidels, - Petrovich waved his hand again, - I have never been to any America, - he frowned, - I was in Israel, with the Jews. An oppressive silence fell.

- With the Zionists?

- Kuzmich whispered in a hoarse voice, - why did they do this to you? Seems like you haven't been charged, and your parents were party members under the communists, - he looked point-blank at the chairman, - what is your fault, where did you slip up?

- Yes, what are you talking about?

- Petrovich was indignant, - well, what kind of darkness, by God? 21st century outside, and you: "Slipped up, party members"! Ugh, honestly, just disgusting, you better sit and listen. He fell silent, frowned, then thoughtfully said, - and it was like this. Remember how I was summoned to the regional center, well, to the leadership of our holding, - he looked at those sitting, who nodded their heads and continued, - and there they told me: "We allocate huge money to your cow farm, and your cows do not want to give birth and spoil our cow demography. And this is despite the fact that you have more bulls on the farm than necessary, but they only eat, pay no attention to cows and show no sexual activity. We give them silage, and root crops, and various compound feed, but there is no offspring. So, we are thinking of closing your unprofitable farm, but then decided to still give a last chance. You will go to Israel, their cows give birth almost twice a year, so you take a closer look, sniff out what the secret of these Jews is, maybe they feed the bulls something special, or slip them something, or maybe give some injections? In short, go, and if you don't find out their Jewish secret, we will close your farm to the devil's mother and you will go with your fellow villagers to beg." That's it, chairman, capitalism outside, no time for sentimentality.